Carlson was a detective series for which I co-wrote a pilot with my friend Chris Bambling; it never went anywhere but I ended up writing the best part of a series in my spare time. I found all these jumbled notes and such and thought that I should really get round to typing them up but in the meantime here is the pilot episode in full. You’ll probably notice that Scott Carlson is something of a play on my name and this simply owes itself to one of the many occasions upon which someone got my surname wrong, Chris and I who were, at the time, trying to figure out a name for the character looked at one another and said ‘that’s the guy’. In truth I’m not actually a maniac cop who lives on top of a dockyard crane though much more of the same ‘Oxford’ experience as I’ve had for the past two years and I very well might end up as one.
Carlson Script. Draft 1
Written by Christopher Bambling and Scott Carless
Scene 1
Int. Police Station.
(Wise enters the station, gets a coffee, various good mornings are exchanged with Police Officers, he goes into the Chief’s office)
Chief: Thanks for coming on such short notice Wise, take a seat.
(Wise sits down)
Wise. No problem Chief, what’s going down?
Chief. I know you’re too good for all this filing work you’ve been on recently, it’s just because you’re young and sometimes I feel like you’re my own son.
Wise. (uncertainly) Right.
Chief. But hell you’ve gotta take the stabilisers off the tricycle at some point huh?
Wise. Why would a tricycle need stabilisers?
Chief. Part of being a cop is being careful…part of being a cop is having stabilisers on your tricycle.
Wise. Okay
Chief. Anyway Wise I got a case lined up for you but I want to know if you’ve got the stomach for it, this ain’t no picnic in the park.
Wise. Sir…I’ve already eaten.
Chief. I’m not being literal Wise, I’m asking, have you got the guts?
Wise. Well hit me with it chief.
Chief. Very well, how does ‘Child Molestation’ hit you?
Wise (visibly take aback) My God chief, that sounds awful.
Chief. Yeah it’s a pretty sick case and it gets worse, we’re talking about an abuse of trust…between a teacher and a pupil.
Wise. Christ Chief! That’s monstrous, what are the ages we’re dealing with here?
Chief. 29 and 14.
Wise. Jesus, that sick bastard had sex with a kid half his age.
Chief. Well not exactly; half ‘her’ age Wise.
Wise. What do you mean?
Chief. It’s a female teacher and a young boy.
Wise. I see…is the kid alright.
Chief. Alright? You bet your ass he’s alright, he’s in what the doctors call a ‘happy coma’ he should be awake in a day or so, even then he’ll probably be like he was when he came in, grinning like a Cheshire cat. If his parents hadn’t told us then we’d never have known.
Wise. Chief I’m glad you’ve put me on this case it’ll be an honour to serve justice and put this sick teacher behind bars where she can’t ruin any more young lives.
Chief. Not so fast son…a case like this is too big for one man; I’m going to pair you with a…well let’s say an experienced officer.
Wise. That’s okay it’ll just be good to be out of the office and on the front line.
Chief. I’m glad you put it that way, because I’m putting you with a man who quite literally sleeps in a trench. Have you heard of Detective Carlson?
Wise. Carlson? … yeah wasn’t he the guy involved in the coffee shop massacre case of ’99?
Chief. Wise…that wasn’t an active case before he got involved, and that’s all I’m at liberty to say.
Wise. Okay. So where’s he been recently, I haven’t seen him around.
Chief. He’s been on what we call ‘gardening leave’ for the last five months.
Wise. Christ! Must be one heck of a garden.
Chief. Yeah, whatever Wise, anyway I want you to meet with Detective Carlson and start work on this case immediately.
Wise. Sure thing Chief, where do I find him?
Chief. In his ‘garden’
Wise. Right…and that is?
Chief. Down at the docklands, on top of the crane, you’d better get yourself down there.
Wise. Very well Sir, I’m on it (He gets up and goes to leave)
Chief. Oh and Wise.
Wise. Yes Sir.
Chief. Good Luck son.
Scene 2
Ext. The Docklands
(Wise reaches the top of the Crane and looks about)
Wise. Carlson! Carlson! Are you here?
(From the Shadows)
Carlson. Over here.
Wise. Oh sorry, I didn’t see you there (Carlson emerges from the shadows) um…say you got a nice garden here.
Carlson. Yeah…nice garden…yeah.
Wise. The chief sent me, said I’d find you here
.
Carlson. The Chief!
Wise. Yeah, he’s assigned us to a case, my names Bernie Wise, Detective Sergeant, we’re going to be working together.
Carlson. Looks like Gardening leave is over.
Wise. Yeah he wants you back on the force.
Chief. I bet he does, there’s plenty of weeds to uproot in the justice system, so Wise, that’s your name? What’s this case?
Wise. It’s quite a heavy case Carlson.
Carlson. There’s no such thing as a light case Wise (He begins pacing with a cigar) I can tell you’re fresh out of Detective school, you just passed you cycling proficiency…
Wise. Yeah the Chief took my stabilisers off just this morning.
Carlson. (Looking at Wise in disgust) Jesus Christ; okay so tell me about the case Wise Crack.
Wise. It’s a child molestation case.
Carlson. Un-holsters his sidearm and cocks it) Well there’s no case to be had then is there…how old is the kid?
Wise. 14
Carlson. Goddamn sick bastard. You know Wise it’s times like these I’m glad I’m on the force.
Wise. Because you can do something to help?
Carlson. No…because I can ‘fix’ broken people (he gestures with the gun) Okay so where’s the suspect?
Wise. At the school, it’s the kid’s teacher.
Carlson. That’s too bad, there’s one teacher who’s about to be taught a damn hard lesson. Let’s head on over to the school and teach him good.
Wise. Actually Carlson, it’s a female teacher.
Carlson. What? …I don’t understand?
Wise. It’s a Miss Middleton aged 29 she was sleeping with one of the pupils in her class.
Carlson. This doesn’t make sense (He re-holsters his sidearm) what does the chief want me to do? Arrest the kid for getting lucky?
Wise. No, he wants you to arrest the teacher, there’s been a crime committed here.
Carlson. Crime? …who squealed? Was it the kid?
Wise. No as far as I’m aware it was the parents.
Carlson. That figures, my dad was jealous of my new bike as well.
Wise. Um right, well you’re in charge so what’s the call?
Carlson. Look Wise I gotta get the facts straight in my head and…probably change my clothes, I’ve been at the top of this crane for five months.
Wise. But why?
Carlson. (Looks enigmatically across the city) To get closure. Get yourself home Wise, we’ll reconvene at Dunkin Donuts on 53rd at 9 tomorrow.
Wise. Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow. (he begins to leave)
Carlson. One last thing Wise.
Wise. Yeah.
Carlson. There’s more to this case than meets the eye so go careful.
Wise. Right okay see you Carlson.
Carlson. See you Wise.
Scene 3
Ext. Outside the school.
Carlson: I know you’re new to this so do you want me to call in backup? You know, make you feel a little safer?
Wise. It’s just a teacher Carlson, I don’t think we’re going to need backup.
Carlson. You know what they said about John Dillinger? Huh! They said that’s just a guy at the cinema chowing down on popcorn and kicking the seat in front of him. You know what they said about Bonnie and Clyde? Just a couple out for a Sunday drive and a picnic; you want to join the list of cops who underestimated the suspect Wise? It’s a long list of very dead men!
Wise. I’m just saying she’s a primary school teacher I don’t think we’ll need the SWAT team on this one.
Carlson. It’s your call Wise, you want to play it risky then we play it risky.
Wise. Okay well let’s go and do this.
(They approach the school, the receptionist greets them)
Receptionist. Hello Gentlemen what can I do for you?
Carlson. I’m detective Carlson, this is my partner Sergeant Wise (Wise waves) Yeah…He’s new; we’re here to see Miss Middleton.
Receptionist. I’m afraid she’s taking a class at the moment.
Carlson. What?! How old are the kids?
Receptionist. Um…well they’re all probably about 14 or so.
Carlson. Are you crazy! You’ve put the cat in with the pigeons, where is she?
Receptionist. ….In the English Department but…
Carlson. Okay Wise, on me (He draws his gun) I’ve got an apple for this teacher.
Receptionist. Oh my God! (ducks under her desk)
Wise. Carlson?!
(Carlson runs down the corridor toward the English block, knocking two students to the ground as he goes, Wise follows warily)
Int. In the Classroom.
Miss Middleton. …and who can tell me who wrote King Lear?
(The door is kicked off its hinges and Carlson storms in brandishing his gun)
Carlson. Everybody Freeze or I’ll drop you all like ducks at the fair.
(The class goes descends into utter panic, assorted screams and shouts)
Wise. (Running in after Carlson) It’s okay, We’re Police officers, don’t panic.
Carlson. Oh yeah I always forget that part. POLICE! Freeze or I’ll turn you all into human colanders.
Miss Middleton. What is the meaning of this, officers?
Carlson. Oh yeah, you don’t know do you, no, and I bet if I got a pound of butter and put it in that pretty mouth of yours I could take it out an hour later and still not be able to spread it on my toast!
Wise. Miss Middleton, this is about Johnny, could you step outside with us please.
Miss Middleton. Oh no (downcast) Okay…but do you think you could stop pointing that gun at me.
Carlson. Nice try Jezebel, but I’ve heard that one before, ‘put the gun down whilst I whip out the derringer stuffed in my cleavage and try and turn the tables’, I don’t think so, Wise! Handcuff her.
Wise. I really don’t think that’s necessary Carlson.
Carlson. Are you arguing with me Wise?
Wise. No…no I’m just…
Carlson. Just arguing with my decision.
Wise. No I just think it’s…
Carlson. A good idea to argue with me?
Wise. I’m not arguing with you.
Carlson If you’re not arguing with me then why are you disagreeing with what I’m saying?
Wise. I’m not
Carlson. So why when I asked if you were arguing with me, did you say that you were not?
Wise. Because I wasn’t
Carlson. So you disagreed with me and continued to do so which if I’m not mistaken constitutes arguing, so I’ll ask you again; are you arguing with me Wise?
Wise. Okay yes I’m arguing with you.
Carlson (Swings round to bring the gun to bear at Wise) I knew it! You want to know what happened to the last guy who tried arguing with me.
Wise. What…what are you doing Carlson?
Carlson. You’d need to take a trip to the bottom of the city lake to ask him and I don’t think he’s in much condition to talk any more, get my drift?
Wise. Okay, okay I’ll do it (starts handcuffing Miss Middleton)
Carlson. Son of a bitch won’t tell me not to park on double yellows again…Miss Middleton I’m placing you under arrest.
Miss Middleton. But I’ve a class to teach.
Carlson. You might have a class to teach but you’ve got a lesson to learn about the long arm of the law, let’s go.
Ext. In the Parking lot.
(Miss Middleton is put in the Police car)
Carlson. You better think twice before you pull another stunt like that, I’ve already lost a partner because he thought he knew better, I’m not going to lose another; wise up…Wise.
Wise. What are you talking about Carlson?
Carlson. It’s not important (looks into the distance) only memories…just drive.
Scene 4.
Int. The Interview room.
(Johnny is sitting at the desk, Carlson and Wise enter)
Carlson. Johnny…I’m detective Carlson, this is my partner Sergeant Wise.
Johnny. What are you gay or something?
Carlson. Why you cheeky little shit (pulls out his gun and goes to pistol whip the kid, Wise grabs his arm and stops him just in time)
Wise. No Carlson! He’s just a kid.
Carlson. Stupid little punkass son of a bitch needs teaching a damn good lesson.
Johnny (Cowering and terrified)I just thought you said he was your partner.
Wise. (takes Carlson to one side) look Carlson, calm down; we need to win this kid’s trust, not pistol whip him half to death.
Carlson. Goddamn these human rights, ah Wise I guess you’re right, look go and get me a cup of coffee
Wise. Uh…yeah are you sure you’re going to be…you know…alright?
Carlson. I’ll be better when I’ve got my dose of wake up America.
Wise (looks nonplussed)
Carlson. Coffee!
Wise. Okay, how do you take it?
Carlson (produces a Dulex sample booklet and points to midnight black) You see that black…if it looks like that then it’s too weak.
Wise. Right (goes to leave)
Carlson. Oh and Wise…if I taste sugar in my coffee you’ll be grinding coffee beans with your teeth.
Wise. Okay (exits)
(Carlson swings the light into the kids face and then proceeds to stare menacingly at him for a short while)
Carlson. So…Johnny…if that’s your name, I hear you’ve been through a pretty traumatic experience.
Johnny (turns away sulkily)
Carlson. Not talking huh? Well I got one question for you…was she as good as she looks?
Johnny. What?
Carlson. I want to know kid, was it good?
Johnny. Was what good?
Carlson. Goddamnit kid don’t play dumb with me, I’m talking about when you fu….(Wise enters with coffee) …inally Wise, what took you? (takes his coffee) God I need this (sips) uh this tastes like the bottom of Churchill’s favourite ash tray…good work Wise.
Wise. Okay Johnny we’re here to talk to you and we want to know what happened between you and your teacher.
Carlson. Did she play the trombone Johnny?
Johnny. Uh?
Wise. Look Carlson I don’t know what that is…
Carlson. Yeah that figures you’ve got a wife.
Wise. Look can we just interview the kid.
Carlson. Yeah whatever (He pulls out his gun and spins it on the table whilst staring menacingly at Johnny)
Wise. Okay Johnny, let’s start from the beginning.
Int. Outside Interview room.
Wise. This kid has been through some pretty hard times, breaks your heart doesn’t it.
Carlson. Yeah, yeah I just want to know one thing.
Wise. What’s that?
Carlson. Did he squeal?
Wise. What?
Carlson. The kid, did he squeal, did he make like a stuck pig, did he make like a boy racer on a residential roundabout?
Wise. What are you talking about this is a serious sexual offence.
Carlson. Oh yeah right so picture this, you’re a 14 year old kid and your hotter than hell teacher runs you through the first two thirds of the Joy of Sex…would you go to the Police? Would you tell your parents? This kid ain’t telling us the whole story, such as why the hell he squealed in the first place.
Wise. Well I’d have to tell somebody, you know, just to brag about it really
Carlson. Something about this case just doesn’t add up; I don’t like it Wise, I don’t like it.
Wise. Yeah I don’t like it either Carlson, it’s a sad case.
Carlson. You want to go get a drink Wise?
Wise. But its only one in the afternoon.
Carlson. And…?
Wise. We’ve got another interview to do.
Carlson. Look do you want to go for a goddamn drink or not Wise?
Wise. Okay, okay I guess I could do with a bite to eat as well…you want to go get a pizza or something whilst we’re out?
Carlson. (freaks out) GOD NO NOT A GODDAMN PIZZA NO!
Wise. Carlson…what’s wrong.
Carlson. I had a bad experience at a pizza place once
(A flashback of a gun firing multiple shots, then a shot of Carlson cradling Marty Jones and screaming ‘noooooooooo’)
Carlson. I don’t like to talk about it, lets just get down to Hogey’s blues bar and get some drinks.
Scene 5
INT. Hogeys blues bar
.
Carlson. Yo Hogey, ten fingers of Bourbon neat! And what are you having Wise.
Wise. Oh I’ll just have a soft drink.
Carlson. Right, and a soft drink for Mrs Wise here.
Hogey. Sure thing Carlson (he gets the drink)
Wise. So Carlson…I hear you worked on the coffee shop massacre case?
Carlson. Worked?
Wise. It was all over the news, what was it all about?
Carlson. Well I had a lot of issues and I chose to release them, I needed to get something out and in came out in that coffee shop, it was kinda therapeutic in a way.
Wise. Carlson I don’t understand, how can the massacre of 18 people be therapeutic, I mean didn’t it bother you at all.
Carlson. Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a mans gotta do, it’s easy to judge from the outside Wise but if you’re the man holding the gun, things are different.
Wise. It sounds like you’ve spoken to the killer.
Carlson. Yeah…every night for the last five months.
Wise (penny dropping) Good God!…you don’t mean…
Carlson. If it were your finger on the trigger and some joker had put anchovies in your coffee what would you have done?
Wise (aghast silence)
Carlson (Downs his Bourbon and signals for another) I won’t try to defend what I did.
Wise. I guess it was just lucky you happened to be in a Triad coffee shop, they could have been innocent people!
Carlson. No one’s innocent, no one’s innocent Wise.
Wise. But Carlson what about the law.
Carlson. The law? I AM THE LAW! (pause) just think Wise…anchovies in your coffee…Hogey! Another ten.
Wise. Anchovies?
Carlson. Look I just got a thing about them alright leave it at that.
Wise. How do you sleep at night?
Carlson. When you’re on top of a crane…precariously.
Wise. Look maybe you should go easy on the Bourbon, we’ve got work to do and it’s not even two in the afternoon.
Carlson. What do you mean go easy? It takes half a bottle just to sober me up
Wise. I just think maybe we should go back to the station and interview Miss Middleton.
Carlson. Damnit I forget what you new cops are like, green and keen and stuck to the rulebook like a fresh dog turd to a shoe. (downs his Bourbon) okay lets go.
Scene 6.
INT, Interview room
(Wise, Carlson and Miss Middleton (MM) at interview table)
Wise. (to tape) Ms Middleton, initial interview officers Wise and Carlson present.
MM. Oh no please…call me Alice.
Wise.(looks distinctly unimpressed) I’ll call you ms Middleton if it’s all the same.
Carlson. Alice, hm yeah that’s a pretty name and if I’m not mistaken isn’t that the Greek for ‘small fishing boat’
MM. Um no its from the Germanic for ‘of nobility’
Carlson. Oh yeah, yeah I was getting confused with Martin.
Wise. Right what we need to do is a statement from y…
Carlson. I knew a Martin once…it was a long time ago.
(flashback, Martin standing outside a door marked ‘staff only’ saying ‘hell Carlson I got the info for this it’s my bust, Carlson. No Marty. A gun being fired multiple times Carlson holding Martin screaming Nooooooooo!)
(Cut back to interview room)
Carlson. Marty! Marty!
(shocked silence)
Wise. Okay…Ms Middleton this is obviously a very serious crime and you’d do well to tell us everything you can.
Carlson. No need to grill the lady Wise, look we’ve been at it for a good…minute or so I could do with a cup of Joe, cup of Joe Alice? Two cups of Joe, Wise.
Wise. Um yeah…what’s a cup of Joe, Carlson?
Carlson (looking put out) its coffee Wise! Now get to it and quit stalling.
Wise. Hmph okay (gets up to leave)
Carlson. Oh and Wise (waves his book of paint samples) don’t forget.
Wise. Right (leaves)
Carlson. (switches off the tape recorder) So Alice…I’ve just one question for you.
MM. Yes Officer.
Carlson. Hey less of the ‘officer’ the names Carlson, Scott Carlson.
MM. Oh okay, well what’s the question…Scott.
Carlson. If I were a 14 year old kid in your class, would you sleep with me?
MM. No! (shocked)
Carlson. Oh right, well just as well I’m not 14 then…would you sleep with me anyway?
MM. I’m sorry Detective this is terribly inappropriate behaviour…are you even a real police officer?
Carlson. By Police officer, do you mean a boy whose been through the training and got himself his qualifications or a man with a badge and a gun! (displays both)
Wise (entering with Coffees) Two coffees, Carlson! …Carlson what’s going on?
MM. Help me he’s mad!
Carlson. I was just running over a point or two with Alice here (holsters weapon) have you got that coffee?
Wise (places mugs down) yeah…(sees tape recorder) Did you turn this off Carlson?
Carlson. Maybe…Maybe it turned itself off, I’m here to investigate a crime not record bedtime stories for your kids.
Wise. (Switches recorder back on) Okay Ms Middleton, explain to us from the start, what’s the story with you and Johnny?
MM. I don’t know where to start… a few months ago he was struggling with his English Homework so I started giving him after class one to one sessions…and…we were reading Lady Chatterley’s lover…and…Johnny well he’s a nice kid and curious and well one thing led to another and before I knew it, it was just out of control (breaking down) oh God I’ve said too much.
Wise. We understand this is difficult, but it’s important we know.
Carlson. When you say one thing led to another, could you be more specific?
MM. (sniffling) How do you mean?
Carlson. Well explain to me, in explicit detail, exactly what one thing was and what it led to.
Wise. Carlson, what relevance does this have?
Carlson. Everything is relevant Wise, you have to take everything into account, remember what Sherlock Holmes said to Watson?
Wise. Something to with Elementary?
Carlson. Yeah that’s it ‘elementary school teachers who bang their pupils don’t always tell you the full story.
Wise. I don’t think he ever said that.
Carlson. Well more specifically he said ‘bring your revolver with you’.
Wise. How is that in any way related to this case?
Carlson. Maybe when you’ve been a cop for longer than a week you’ll understand.
MM. I really don’t see how this helps your investigation.
Carlson. Listen I’ll be the cop and you’ll be the Kiddy Fiddling Teacher, guess which one of us asks the questions.
(another shocked silence)
Carlson. Look I’m a sensitive guy, hell I saw Titanic at the movies and…well…I cried! … That film cost me three dollars! Three goddamn dollars! I mean what is that, two doubles? Well anyway I digress like I said I’m a sensitive guy and I can see you’re having trouble talking about this.
MM. Yes it is difficult.
Carlson. Well I don’t blame you, hell I’d find it difficult to talk about it if I’d been messing about with a 14 year old boy, so let me help you out. Fortunately I’ve brought along with me a visual aid (produces a large banana) now using this visual aid…
Wise. That’s a banana.
Carlson. …visual aid, I want you to demonstrate what you did with little Johnny, do you think you can do that for me?
MM. Um I’m not being filmed am I?
Wise. No, no we’re not allowed to do that anymore, not since the investigation into the ‘poles apart’ lap dancing club back in 92.
Carlson. (nodding) yeah that was a good case.
Wise. Weren’t you in charge of that c…
Carlson. Not now Wise, and I can prove those videos weren’t mine, now Alice please continue.
MM, (looks a banana, at the officers and then back at the banana) Well okay then.
(camera fixes on Carlson and Wise and records their reactions)
Scene 7
Int, corridor.
Carlson. Okay well I think it’s clear that Ms Middleton is blameless in this matter.
Wise. What!
Carlson. Does this Banana look unhappy to you, does it look innocent to you or does it look complicit.
Wise. I don’t understand?
Carlson. (gesturing with Banana) Innocent…or Complicit, I think I know who the real culprit is in this case.
Wise. Yeah it’s the teacher Carlson!
Carlson. That’s what the kid wants you to think, yeah he’s a slippery character alright but I’ve dealt with his type before.
Wise. Carlson, what are you playing at?
Carlson. (puts Wise up against the wall) You listen to me, I’m not having another partner who thinks he knows best, you know what happens to people who think they know best? Huh? They end up dead Wise, lying riddled with bullets in the middle of some godforsaken pizza parlour, on fifth street to be precise, knowing the last thing they’ll smell is pizza dough and the last thing they’ll see is a box of upturned Anchovies.
(Carlson lets Wise go and steps away looking troubled)
Wise (smoothing his jacket) Carlson…is there something you should tell me.
Carlson. I’ve tried to forget…maybe I should tell you, maybe I can lay these demons to rest. (takes a seat against the wall) It was early January 99, my partner was a guy called Marty Jones, about the same age as you, maybe younger, we were on a standard drugs bust but he was too keen and in the rush to get out and bust some ass he copied down the wrong address and we ended up on the Pizza Parlour on 5th rather than 15th…it was a fatal mistake.
CUT TO FLASHBACK MAIN SEQUENCE.
(Marty and Carlson are in the main pizza place they get to the ‘staff only door’ and take positions on either side, guns drawn.)
Carlson. Okay Marty it’s going to be hell in there but just remember, no pain no gain. Now on my count…one…two…
Marty. Hell Carlson I got the info for this, its my bust I’m taking the lead on this (Crashes through the door)
Carlson. No Marty! It’s too dangerous!
(Carlson flies into the room gun first, we see Marty standing in the middle of an empty storeroom looking confused)
Marty. There’s no one he…
(Carlson eyes closed opens fire at random firing blindly around the room, Marty is hit several times and goes down)
Carlson. Marty? (approaching) Marty oh my God what have they done to you?
Marty (groaning) Its okay…Carlson…I think I’m going to make it…
Carlson. (out of reaction shoots Marty dead then looks at his gun, looks back at Marty) MARTY (drops to his knees) MARTY…NO! (cradling the body in his arms)
Marty! MARTY! Why Lord? Why not me?
(Cut to corridor)
Wise. So…you shot your own partner?
Carlson. That’s not what’s important, he tried to do things his own thing, he didn’t follow orders and now he’s dead, I tried to warn him but he wouldn’t listen. (pause) You know… its funny…but in a way I blame myself.
Wise. Well…you did shoot him Carlson, he was the only guy in the room and you shot him multiple times.
Carlson. Let’s not lose sight of what’s important, let’s just get this straight, I lead and you follow you got it?
Wise (now in fear for his life) Yeah okay Carlson it’s your call, what do we do next?
Carlson. I need to speak to the kid again.
Wise. Okay well let’s go do that.
Carlson. No…no I think I need to do this alone, you go catch your Kids little league game or something.
Wise. What?
Carlson. I mean it’ll mean the world to little Wise Junior to see his daddy cheering him on from the stands as he hits his first home run.
Wise. My son’s only five months old.
Carlson. What! He’s five months old and you got him playing baseball?
Wise. No.
Carlson. Oh who am I thinking of? Well anyway if he wants to play the World Series he’s going to have to start young, I mean those Canadians they don’t take prisoners man.
Wise. I’ll bear that in mind.
Carlson. Well anyway you get yourself off home, you and little wise junior can grab a beer and watch television X till midnight.
Wise. Right…okay Carlson I’ll see you in the morning.
Carlson. Yeah. Yeah (lighting up) See you in the morning Wise, I got a few things to do first.
Scene 8.
(The Wise Household, Mrs Wise is busy in the kitchen, enter Wise)
Mrs Wise. Honey, you’re home.
Wise. Yeah.
Mrs Wise. What’s the matter dear, you seem kind of down.
Wise. Ah I just had a bit of a tough day that’s all.
Mrs Wise. Do you want to talk about it? I’ve got some meatloaf in the oven and there’s cherry pie for dessert.
Wise. You always cheer me up
Mrs Wise. So what’s happened then?
Wise. Well this guy I’ve been assigned to the case with, he’s kind of unorthodox.
Mrs Wise. He sounds like a guy who plays by his own rules.
Wise. Yeah he’s a real loose cannon alright and a tough nut to go with it.
Mrs Wise. From the way you talk I’d imagine him to be some kind of maverick law enforcement officer.
Wise. Yeah he’s a renegade in his trade, a rebel who ignores the rule book to get a result.
Mrs Wise. He sounds like an outsider, misunderstood by society.
Wise. A man who will pursue the greater good no matter what the cost because he’ll do anything to uphold the law…
Mrs Wise. Really, the way you talk darling, you make him sound like one of those awful people from those silly television shows.
Wise. No, no this is too real…
Scene 9.
(Hogey’s Blues Bar, Carlson and Johnny)
Carlson. Okay I’m getting a few drinks in Johnny, what do you want?
Johnny. I’ll have a coke please.
Carlson. Hey I said I was a ordering a drink Johnny.
Johnny. Um?
Carlson. Listen kid, we’re both men in a man’s world, we’re going to talk as men do about men’s issues, man to man and if we’re going to do that we’re going to need some men’s drinks.
Johnny. Are you coming on to me?
Carlson. Smart alec little punkass, why I oughtta…ah (checks himself) well I’ll go get something shall I?
(Carlson goes to the bar)
Hogey. What’ll it be Carlson?
Carlson. Hey Hogey, is the mayor on his way?
Hogey. Sure he just telephoned ahead, says he’ll be five minutes or so.
Carlson. Then I’ll have two bourbons, neat.
Hogey. Is that kid 21, Carlson?
Carlson. Are you questioning me Hogey?
Hogey. Um, no, no course not.
Carlson. It’s just, it sounded like a question to me?
Hogey. It wasn’t Carlson, just forget it.
Carlson. I mean who’s the police officer here and who’s the bartender in risk of losing his license?
Hogey. It’s cool, hey look (puts the drinks on the bar) on the house.
Carlson. That’s more like it (takes the drinks) I’ve always liked you Hogey, you know how to treat a friend (flips a dollar into the swear jar and goes back to the table) you want a cigarette kid?
Johnny. I heard that smoking is addictive and bad for my health.
Carlson. Don’t worry kid, it’s just a ‘social’ cigarette, social smoking isn’t addictive and hell if you’re going to sit next to a smoker then you may as well smoke yourself.
Johnny. But I’m only 14 and besides this is a no smoking bar.
Carlson. I thought you were a man, I mean isn’t that a drink in front of you there anyway anyone that nails a dame like your teacher is a man in my book.
Johnny. Well okay…
(enter the mayor)
Mayor. Is detective Carlson here? He wanted to meet me.
Hogey. Sure he’s over there.
Mayor. Thanks (turns) Good God! Detective?
Carlson. (stands) ah, glad you could make it, I thought you’d be interested in this special case here (indicates the kid who is dragging on a cigarette and knocking back bourbon)
Mayor. Well I’m glad you brought this to my attention detective, how old are you kid?
Johnny. 14 sir.
Mayor. I wish you didn’t have to bring things like this to me detective, but I’m glad you do.
Carlson. (shaking his head sadly) It’s a sad case, breaks your heart don’t it?
(both men nod knowingly)
Final Scene.
(Similar to the first scene Wise enters the station to various good mornings etc, he comes across Carlson leaning against a wall)
Wise. Hey Carlson, what are you doing in so early? I heard you don’t usually show up until the all night bookkeepers closes and they don’t shut till noon!
Carlson. Yeah well no time for gambling, I’ve been working all night.
Wise, Wow…yeah you look pretty tired.
Carlson. It’s a small sacrifice, I think you’ll be pleased with the results.
Police Officer 1. Hey Carlson, Wise, the Chief wants to see both of you right now.
Carlson. I’ll bet he does.
Wise. What’s this all about Carlson?
Carlson. That’s quite the question Wise, one I’ve asked myself many times when I’ve been up on that crane, just three hundred feet between me and the answer, and to be honest I don’t think we got a right to know.
Wise. That’s very interesting but I meant why does the chief want to see us?
Carlson. You’ll see, come on let’s get up to his office before the guy does something stupid like actually coming out from behind his desk and pretending he’s a real cop for once.
(They head up the stairs)
Chiefs office.
(Wise and Carlson enter)
Chief. (fuming) Carlson! What the hell are you playing at?
Carlson. Ah cool it chief I got a conviction didn’t I?
Chief. You are well out of line Carlson.
Carlson. You and me both know it’s a blurry line at the best of times Chief.
Chief. Don’t you quote those platitudes at me Detective, I want to know one thing, Why the hell did you convict the Kid!?
Wise.(taken aback, looks at Carlson) What!
Carlson. Careful Chief you nearly came out from behind your desk there.
Chief. I came in this morning and not only do I find that you’ve gone over my head and taken the case to the Mayor, but you’ve put a 14 year old kid away for five years!
Wise. How the hell did you manage that?
Carlson. It was easy, I took Johnny out for a little chat, down at Hogey’s and well, Johnny had a couple of shots, a couple of smokes and then by chance and chance alone he ran into the Mayor.
Wise. But Carlson you know the Mayor has a zero tolerance policy on underage drinking and smoking.
Carlson. He does? Funny must have slipped my mind.
Wise. That Kid was the only witness that could testify, now he’s been put away he can’t stand in court.
Carlson. Well that’s just a goddamn crying shame.
Chief. You have let a child molesting teacher back into the education establishment where she can continue doing more harm Carlson!
Carlson. Harm? I’d call it community service myself.
Chief. If it wasn’t for the fact that the mayor wants to give you a medal for cleaning up the streets, I’d take your badge right now Carlson.
Carlson. You can take my badge chief, you can even try taking my gun, though I wouldn’t try it, but you’ll never stop me from being an officer of the law.
Chief. I want you out of my office and out of my sight Carlson.
Carlson. I can do both but I’ll still be in your nightmares chief.
Chief. Get Out!
(They leave)
(outside in the corridor)
Wise. I can’t believe you Carlson.
Carlson. A lot of people say that, you want to go get a drink Wise, celebrate your first case?
Wise. I don’t feel like celebrating right now Carlson, I feel disillusioned with everything, all my life I’ve wanted to be a cop, to serve and protect and if we’re not protecting the young, the innocent, then…how are we serving?
Carlson. Christ Wise, you sound like you need a drink.
Wise. Actually Carlson I think I need a few days off, some time to think about whether I want to be a Policeman anymore, see you (he walks away)
Carlson. To be young and principled…I wonder what it’s like?
(He goes to the cells and opens the door)
Carlson. Ms. Middleton, you’re free to go.
MM. What? Have Johnny’s parents dropped the charges?
Carlson. Not exactly, but you won’t have to worry about seeing Johnny again.
MM. You mean I can go back to teaching again.
Carlson. If that’s what you want to call it then yeah.
MM. (collects her belongings and goes to leave, Carlson leans across the doorway)
Carlson. I don’t usually do this but since that whole business with the ‘visual aid’ I…I feel a connection here so I’ll go right on and say…If you ever feel like a drink…
MM. (interrupts) yeah, I understand I’ll call you and tell you how it feels (she ducks under Carlson’s arm and walks away briskly)
Carlson. (looking a little sheepish) Yeah…right…okay you do that.
(He looks at his badge and sighs, then he walks down the corridor whilst lighting up cue music and end)
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