Detective Carlson in ‘Femme Fatale? Sounds Like A Date To Me’
A Carlson Short
By Scott Carless
Ext. A dark city street at night, Carlson is walking down the pavement smoking a cigarette; he is wearing a fedora and a long dark coat over a battered suit. Background music is a mournful blues tune.
(Voiceover)
Carlson: It was one of those nights, so cold the night was like a sheet of ice with stars locked in its freezing embrace, the kind of night it’s almost as though you could break the sky with a toffee hammer and rain shards of broken crystal down onto these dirty streets; kind of make the place look like it does after the Superbowl riots. I was heading downtown, just another lonely guy in a lonely city making his way through the overturned trash cans and littered butts of luckies in the gutter. You know sometimes this city is like a smoked lucky: it’s cheap, tacky, burnt out, leaves a bad taste in your mouth and you know it’s killing you. Kind of like my ex-wife really; ‘cept of course she was all cold and I’m still burning. I reached the end of Strained Analogy Street and headed east on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams; just me and every other Harry in the world still picking up the pieces.
I was on my way to a place I knew, Hogey’s Blues Bar, officially I was meeting a contact; unofficially I was spending my night the same way I spent every night, forgetting. I know some people just call it drinking, or going out, but I’m not one of those people.
Int. Hogey’s, Carlson enters and goes to the bar.
Hogey: Good to see you Carlson, usual?
Carlson: Make it a double, it’s a cold night.
Hogey: But that is your usual.
Carlson: Well give me a double double then.
Hogey: Coming right up.
(Carlson lights a cigarette as Hogey gets his bourbon)
Hogey: That’ll be four dollars.
Carlson: I’m pretty light tonight Hogey, put it on my slate.
Hogey: Well…okay but you know you have been coming here for eight years now and you haven’t actually ever paid for a drink.
Carlson: I hear you Hogey, it’s a dirty world and I guess I gotta pay the price; how much I owe?
Hogey: One hundred and sixteen thousand two hundred and ninety eight dollars and seventeen cents
Carlson: Seventeen cents?
Hogey: You asked for change for a telephone call
Carlson: Damn call girls, you’d think you’d be able to make a reverse charges call given how much they cost.
Hogey: Yeah anyway…
Carlson: (takes out his wallet and fishes out a five) Let’s say this is a down payment I’ll get the rest to you later.
Hogey: Carlson I’ve got rent to pay and…
Carlson: Maybe you don’t hear too good Hogey, maybe you didn’t hear me say I’ll get the rest to you later, you know like later after I’ve filed a report on Hogey’s after hours ‘escort service’
Hogey: Hey look Carlson, you’re the only guy that uses that.
Carlson: Like the iceberg said to the Titanic, if I’m going down you’re coming with me.
Hogey: Icebergs don’t sink…and I’m pretty sure they don’t talk either.
Carlson: And cops who file reports on illegal strip joints don’t implicate themselves, you get where this is going?
Hogey: Yeah okay…okay Carlson it’s cool.
(The background music suddenly changes to Shakespeare’s Sister)
Carlson: What the hell? Is that Shakespeare’s Sister?
Hogey: Sounds like it.
Carlson: Who the hell put that on?
Hogey: Looks like that guy at the jukebox.
Carlson: Jesus!
(he stubs out his cigarette, pulls out a revolver and shoots the man at the jukebox)
Hogey: That’s the third guy this week
Carlson: You oughta take that damn record out I’m getting tired of wasting ammunition.
Hogey: I’ll get round to it after I’ve cleaned up this mess, watch the bar for me would you Carlson.
(Hogey goes out back to get a mop and bucket)
(Enter Felicity Singleton, wearing a red dress and a black boa)
(Voiceover)
Carlson: She came in to the bar in the same way a speeding express train comes off the rails and ploughs into a station, you know, killing men left right and centre. She was one of those dames, the kind you want to go to bed with…that’s about it. Some might say that’s a pretty shallow view but some might say I ‘m a pretty shallow guy.
Singleton: Is this bar stool taken?
Carlson: You know as well as I do coppertop that it’s like any guy in this bar, you can have it no questions asked.
Singleton: Guess that means no (she sits down and pulls out a cigarette) you got a light, handsome?
Carlson: Sure thing (pulls out a small maglite and shines a light on Singleton’s hands whilst she lights her cigarette)
Singleton: Thanks Honey, sure is difficult to see in these places.
Carlson: When the lights come on this whole place gets ugly
Singleton: But when they’re off people fall in love
Carlson: Guess you like your classics.
Singleton: I like falling in love, don’t you?
Carlson: I don’t know maybe I’ve done it one too many times, maybe I can’t afford it as a hobby. I mean it’s something like twenty dollars for a private dance and then you’ve got to buy the drinks…speaking of which can I buy you a drink?
Singleton: It’s not every night I meet a gentleman, I’ll have a Long Island Iced Tea on the rocks with a twist of lemon and a small cocktail umbrella that makes it awkward to drink.
Carlson: Well the barman’s not around, guess I’ll make it myself
(he goes around the bar, picks up a glass and attempts to toss it in the air breaking it, then puts together the drink)
Carlson: On the house.
(he gets himself another bourbon and walks back round)
Carlson: So, coppertop, what brings you to a lowlife place like this, legs like those you should up at the Dolphin making eyes at a Vanderbilt.
Singleton: I’m meeting someone.
Carlson: Business, pleasure, or both?
Singleton: Business mainly, I’m meant to be meeting a cop.
Carlson: Lucky for me I am a cop, the name’s Carlson, Detective Scott Carlson.
Singleton: Felicity Singleton, pleased to meet you Detective.
Carlson. Felicity huh? Yeah that figures I’m pretty sure my ex-wife was called Felicity.
Singleton: You’re pretty sure?
Carlson: Yeah, well it might have been Francesca, or Faye, or maybe Fiona; actually it might have been Sally…I never could remember, might be why she left me.
Singleton: You don’t have to call me Felicity if you don’t want to, you can call me anything you like Detective.
Carlson: No, no it does me good to talk about it and hell, maybe you’ll be the right Felicity for me.
Singleton: I’ve been the wrong one for a lot of men Detective.
Carlson: It’s a good thing I don’t have standards.
Singleton: It’s a good thing I don’t either.
Carlson: Were you just here to play with my heartstrings Miss Singleton or was there something else?
Singleton: It’s Mrs Singleton
Carlson: There’s one lucky guy out there, if I weren’t dishonest I’d say I was jealous.
Singleton: Mr Singleton isn’t around anymore but then I’m sure you know what it’s like to lose a partner, Detective.
Carlson: What gave it away; the smell of alcohol or the general air of weary despair?
Singleton: You’re still wearing your wedding ring.
Carlson: That? Oh I just couldn’t take it off.
Singleton: So the tough detective turns out to be a romantic?
Carlson: No I mean I just couldn’t get it off, damn thing’s jammed on there. Otherwise I’d have pawned it for a bottle of Jim Beam; anyway where’s this Mr Singleton if he ain’t following you about like a lovesick puppy?
Singleton: He’s dead, Detective, murdered.
Carlson: I guess that’s why you’re here to see me.
Singleton: You guessed right.
(she wipes away a tear and stands up waltzes across the bar to the jukebox)
Singleton: It was only this week it happened, Detective, in this very bar.
Carlson: In this bar?
Singleton: (puts some money into the jukebox and punches up a tune) He was listening to his favorite song
(Shakespeare’s Sister comes on)
(Hogey enters)
Hogey: Right that’s that cleared up…wait a minute Mrs Singleton…Carlson…Oh no!
Carlson: I think I know what happened to your husband, Mrs Singleton
Singleton: Oh Detective I already know (she whips out a derringer and trains it on Carlson)
Hogey: Carlson look out, the dame’s got a gun!
(Carlson ducks behind a table and pulls out his revolver as Singleton starts shooting, she hits and kills several of the men in the bar, Hogey hides behind the bar as the firefight rages)
Carlson: That goddamn music! (he aims at the jukebox and takes a shot, the music stops)
Singleton: No! (she stands up and goes to shoot Carlson but she’s out of ammo, Carlson aims his revolver at her)
Singleton: Go on then Detective, shoot me, shoot me just like you shot Henry.
Carlson: (can’t do it, eventually he lowers his weapon) I’m a cop Mrs Singleton and even if you just tried to kill me it still ain’t quite as bad as my ex-wife so no, I’m not going to shoot you but you’re going away for a long time.
(he walks up and grabs her by the arms)
Carlson: I’m sorry I killed the man you loved, but you have to understand, I really hate that song, even the good bit with the synth.
Singleton: You don’t understand, men like you never do, I didn’t love him I wanted to kill him the same way I killed my last three husbands, and that garage repair shop man, and that milkman, and the taxi driver that drove me down here… but you beat me to it so I had to kill you instead.
(They both stare at each other with smoldering sexual tension, then Carlson kisses her roughly)
Hogey: Carlson?
(One of the dead customers slides off his chair onto the floor)
Carlson: Felicity, even if you’re moral garbage on legs and you’ve just shot four men dead, you’re still the best dame I’ve met in years, the kind of dame I could really fall in love with.
Singleton: I’ll try and kill you any chance I get Detective now…kiss me!
Carlson: Still sounds like a good deal to me.
(they go to leave the bar)
Hogey: Carlson? What are you doing? I’ve got four dead men in here and another out the back!
Carlson: You’d better call the police Hogey
Hogey: But you are the police!
Carlson: (with his arm around Singleton) Let’s just say I’m off duty tonight
(They exit as Hogey stares about him in horror)
(Voiceover as Carlson and Singleton walk out together.)
Carlson: It’s a dark city we live in, but every now and then a little light shines through. You know it’s the suckers that go looking for that perfect person and even if she was an amoral sociopath with all the moral stature of a coked up cat she still held that promise of sleek New York sex in the lonely hours of the morning. Some might say that’s a pretty shallow view, but some people might say I’m a pretty shallow guy…
Credits and music roll as Carlson and Singleton walk down the street together.
