Rompalottalus was my first play to be produced and performed, it was during the 2009 Cuppers competition and I had sat up one night before the meeting with the other students who were going to enter on behalf of Balliol college and written the entire thing in one foul swoop. It was performed at the Burton Taylor theatre in Oxford to a full house and I performed the role of the ‘rich, annoying one’ Fopodopolis a role I based strongly on that of Richard Richard from Bottom. It was meant as a farcial, Greek style, comedy and fortunately that is how it was received (a relief for any writer when what was his intention comes off successfully)
The play made the finals of the competition, something that none of us, especially myself, had anticipated and unfortunately due to two actors being away on the day of the second performance and it being too short-notice to rearrange roles I had to withdraw the play from the competition. It was of course frustrating but a good learning experience. The play won awards for ‘Best New Writing’ and ‘Spirit of Cuppers’, something I was very pleased with seeing that it was the work of a single night to write.
I even had my first professional review which was hardly hostile;
CUPPERS: Rompalottalus (Balliol)
‘it’s all in the name: a lott of romp…a lus’ Charlotte Mulliner ★★★★
Rompalottalus ★★★★
Balliol Thursday 26th November 7.45pm
Review by Charlotte Mulliner
Written in a single night by student Scott Carless, Rompalottalus was a perfect choice for Cuppers and a classicist’s wet dream. A fast-paced and farcical parody of Greek comedy, it tells the story of the slave Phormio’s noble battle to get Athens’ brothels re-opened in order to win his bride. It was a brilliant ensemble cast, all taking part with panache. There are some great characters, such as Cyrus, the cowardly, impotent cuckold, his wife Electra, a saucy gigolo scouting minx and their son Fopadopolis, a preening, sex crazed tosser (to roughly quote the play). Not to forget the eponymous hero – a slightly deluded, sexually frustrated Athenian. With lines like ‘I am ravaged by the agony of Aphrodite’s fire’, ‘by Hercules’ foreskin’ and ‘by Hera’s stiff nipples’ you can tell it’s all in the name: a lott of romp…a lus.
From Oxford Theatre Review
The full script is as follows;
Rompalotalus
Written by Scott Carless.
(Being an exercise in immaturity and Greek smut)
R: Damn and blast! This do-gooder prude! How in Hades am I to dip my wick now? I’m a man and I’ve my needs and these hands can hardly please, as well as a sweet two obol vow.
Slave slave! Get your arse on the move… (Phormio enters and R considers him for a second) No I’m not that desperate…not yet anyway. Now I want you to take something down for me.
P. (worried) Really Rompalotalos I didn’t think that was the way your pottery was glazed, oh who’d be a slave.
R. No you Trireme faced goon, I mean I’m going to dictate a message to that tosser of a chief archon of ours, Cyrus.
P. Very well (picks up a pot and a chisel)
R. What in the name of Erebus’s back passage is that for?
P Well it’s all we can afford to write on, ever since the Archon gambled the state treasury on a three legged horse at the last Olympic games. There’s been a national shortage of paint, daub, dye, papyrus, handy lumps of stone-you name it, we don’t have it.
R. No Papyrus? No Dye? What is this? Sparta? Writing on pot shards; what the future’s going to think of us I don’t know?
P. Well shall we make a start on this message of yours?
R. I suppose we’ll have to make do, Right here goes…”Dear Snot-faced weasel features”…or is that too formal?
P. A tad informal I’d say
R. Really? Well how about… “Dear product of a chance encounter between a dung beetle and a sick goat”?
P. How about we just write “Dear Archon”
R. Who jammed a thyrbis up your arse? Well if you want to be posh about it very well, “Dear Archon…I wish to complain in the strongest possible tones, with energy, with vigour, with…with all the frustration I should be taking out in the brothels you’ve just criminalised! Are you trying to get yourself Ostracised? You may as well practically wage war on Athens; any more of this and we’ll end up like that rustic hellhole, Sparta. I’m sick to death of meddling fools like you for leaders, if you don’t repeal the ban by the end of the week I’ll have the whole of the assembly on the march to get you sent to the blackest reaches of the Chersonese, I’m an influential man…
P. No you’re not…the only person you’ve got any influence over is me…and I’m a slave.
R. Well…I’m a fearsome public speaker.
P. I take it you mean that your speeches can be fatal?
R. What you mean my rhetoric is so cutting and so dangerous it can topple cities?
P. No I mean the last time you made a speech in the assembly you bored the entire front row to death.
R. Oh don’t exaggerate.
P. Seriously you killed twenty men and a particularly intelligent and surprisingly politically aware goat, you got put on trial remember? You only got away with it because your defence speech was so spectacularly inane and exquisitely boring that you put the entire jury into a three week coma and they had to just let you off.
R. Are you trying to tell me that I’m…dull?
P. I’m just saying you’re the only person who can talk for five hours straight about the benefits of triangular coins as opposed to round ones.
R. Well it’s an important subject, firstly you have to consider the sheer waste factor involved in making coins round, then there’s…
P. Please Rompalotaloss I’ve a very weak heart, too much excitement; it could be fatal.
R. Of course, of course I forget how interesting I can be. We’ll finish the message off… “I’m a man of my word, despite the rumours, so take this as a warning, love and hugs, Rompalotaloss.
P. Not really sure about that last bit.
R. Who turned you into Homer all of a sudden? Fine just chisel a smiley face on there and have done with it.
P. Okay finished.
R. Now I want you to deliver that to the Archon personally, make sure he gets it.
P. What? Me deliver this? He’ll have me used as an oar before the end of the day.
R. Why is that of any importance to me at all? Look I don’t think you understand, I need to get laid. Now I’m sorry but you’re desire to live has to take second saddle to that, you’re a slave and you don’t count. Now get cracking.
(Exits)
P. Who’d be a slave I don’t know? Especially with a master like Rompalotaloss, I spend most of my time dragging him out of brothels, why we’d be rich if it wasn’t for his disgusting sexual proclivities. I’ve told him that he just needs to meet the right girl and he’ll settle down and he just says that he can’t know who the right girl is unless he’s slept with all the wrong ones, and by Hercules’ foreskin! Has he had some wrong ones? He’s not too fussy and all he cares about is the bottom line. He’s not dead against a lined bottom either (mimics whipping) I’ve seen some terrible things and he’s paid for worse.
Still that’s my lot in life, slave to a slavering lust monster, how dearly I’d like to live on a farm with a nice girl…but it’s not to be.
I’d better deliver this message, not that it’s going to make my life any better.
(Exit)
(Enter Fopadopolis and Nicias)
F. Oh woe is me! No man suffers greater pain, I am ravaged by the agony of Aphrodite’s fire, burning with yearning, on fire with desire, swamped in want, raging with the contagion of love and lust, consumed with the urge to claim what is mine…
N. And a pretty crap poet just to finish your line.
F. Oh and suddenly you’re an expert are you Nicias? I’d like to see you do better.
N. Very well my fine Fopadopolis…ahem, there was a young man from Euboaea, whose wife was a bit of a goer, he’d just whip out his cock, to her knees she would drop…
F. Okay…that’s enough thanks, I think Callimachus can breathe easily again
N. Oh! Good thing you stopped me really, I didn’t actually have a punch line.
F. Olympus on high you’re a waste of skin, my poem was much better.
N. I think mine had a certain charm to it.
F. Really well, we’ll ask the people shall we (to audience) What did you think of Nicias’ crude ‘attempt’ at literature? Well what did you think of mine? Oh…well who gives a toss what you think anyway, bloody democracy, it’s just a council of dimwits if you ask me, no appreciation of breeding and style.
N. Seem to know their poetry though.
F You just listen up, I’ve better things to do than listen to your snide comments you little Ephialtes. I am in Love!
N. Oh by Zeus here we go again.
F. Yes for days now I have thought solely about her, her pale delicate skin, her red full lips, her bare shoulders, her swelling breasts, that cleavage you could just fall into, that exquisite bottom you just want to grab and…
N. Fopadopolis, you’ll make me sick again, so unless you want to be covered in regurgitated olives I suggest you shut up.
F. Oh I don’t know why I hang out with you.
N. You’re less likely to get beaten up for being such a melodramatic, foppish tosser?
F. Well…yeah actually that’s quite a good reason…look we’re here now, best behaviour, we can’t act normal here, this is a brothel they’ve standards.
N. What that says about us I dread to think.
(F knocks)
(Enter Asspasia)
A. Yes, what can I do for you dear?
F. Ah Asspasia, I have come to see my darling Pandora, is she here?
A. Well of course she’s here, but do you want to see her or see to her?
F. hmm both ideally
A. Well you can’t can you? Not since your father banned our trade under threat of death.
F. Damn! Curse my father, curse him, curse, curse…oh how I wish the thesaurus had been invented.
A. However, perhaps you’d like to take a girl home and make her an honest woman.
N. (To audience) He’d have to be an honest man to start with (To audience)…You mean marry? Does he look stupid? Actually I suppose he does but he’s not…well he is but, Oh what am I saying? Go for it.
N. I’ll take Pandora.
A. She’s not up for offer, I’m going to take her and start a new brothel up in Megara.
F. But you can’t! She is my destiny, the fates command that we be together.
A. Unless the ban is repealed we can’t stay here, we’ve got to earn a living somehow, you’re welcome to take another girl free of charge that way we’re not breaking the law, I can offer you a selection, we’re running a voluntary redundancy program.
N. Come on, we’ll take a look. You never know you’re luck.
F. (despondent) Very well, begin the pageant of prostitutes.
A. First may I offer Roxanne, a delicate beauty from the East, elegant, voluptuous, bubbly…with a great sense of humour.
(Enter Roxanne)
R. (ropey looking old tart) Awight there boss, lookin’ to get yer rod polished are ya?
N. My gods, that’s an elegant woman?
A. Roxanne is a rare desert rose.
R. I’m a rare bloom sweet’s.
N. Well thank the gods for that.
F. No, no, no, what else have you got?
(Exit Roxanne)
A. Behold the conqueror of men’s hearts, the Amazonian warrior of Thermiscyra, the goddess like Trikia.
(Enter Trikia)
T. (fearsome) I don’t do doggy, anal, oral , whips, roleplay, blindfolds, olive oil or sexy hide and seek…and I am going on top matey boy!
F. (Aghast) N..n..no thanks.
T. Gay! (exits)
F. Haven’t you got anyone a little bit more…feminine?
N. Or at least a woman, that’ll do.
A. Aphrodite’s backside! You’re a fussy young man, perhaps you’ll be more taken by Telemilla?
(Enter Telemilla)
T. (elderly) hello dearie
N. But she’s sixty if she’s a day!
T. I can take my teeth out for you lover (winks)
F. By Dionysus’ nut-sack, what are you trying to fob us off with Asspasia
(Exit Telemilla)
A. All the girls I’m going to leave behind me, there’s no charge.
F. I wouldn’t take them if you paid me!
A. Well there’s simply no pleasing you is there?
F. I’d be pleased if I had Pandora.
A. I said she’s not on offer
F. Can I see her?
A. You may.
(Enter Pandora)
P. Hello, I am Pandora.
F. (dropping to his knee) Oh Radiant beauty! Oh celestial joy, Oh Aphrodite in mortal form…
N. Ohhh Fuck!
F. (aside) I wish; Oh Pandora, I yearn for you and; is it true you’re a virgin?
P. I am, I am Pandora.
F. Cor! I really want you now.
A. Well you can’t, now on your way, if you can persuade your father to repeal the ban, then you might just get your wish.
(Exit Asspasia and Pandora)
F. I’ll be back for you my golden apple! (to N) We need to get my father to change his mind…come on!
(Enter Phormio, who collides with the exiting Fopadopolis, he drops the vase)
P. Oh no my vase!
F. Well you shouldn’t have been standing in my way you little peasant!
P. But there was an important message written on that pot.
F. Tough! I’m Fopadopolis and I’m the chief Archon’s son and I can do what I like (pushes Phormio aside) Come Nicias to my Father.
(Exit Nicias and Fopadopolis)
P. Damn those Athenians, they’re an arrogant bunch (begins to pick up the pieces)
This message has been shattered!
(Enter Pandora)
Pa. Are you okay?
P. (lovestruck) yes, I just dropped my pot, that’s all..I..um…who are you?
Pa. I am Pandora,(coyly) I am a virgin. Who are you
P. Bloody Hades, that’s probably more than I needed to know, Who am I? I’m just a slave…Oh but Pandora you’re beautiful.
Pa. Thank you…I am just a slave too, I belong to Asspasia…although I didn’t always. Once upon a time I had a parents and a brother…although he was a bit of a pratt really. I was separated from them when I was very young and all I have to remember them by is this signet ring…oh but enough of my unhappy tale.
P. That’s awful.
Pa would you like help?
P. I’ve just got to rearrange this message.
Pa. I’ll help, although I can’t read.
(Ideally I OTT star-crossed lover’s scene here)
P. Pandora, I’m sorry but I have to tell you, I’ve never felt this way before.
Pa. Me neither.
P. There was that time I had some dodgy feta cheese that was off by about a month, that was kind of similar.
Pa. Oh.
P. I mean I feel…I feel.
Pa. Oh who are you, I must know you’re name, I’ve never felt this way about a man before.
P. I’m Phormio and…I think I’m in love with you.
Pa. Oh but we are both slaves we can never marry.
P. Do we have to marry, I mean we could…you know, skip that bit.
Pa. I can’t…I am owned by Asspasia and she forbids me to (flirtatiously) enjoy a man’s body.
P. Immortal Zeus! If I were free, I’d free you too and we could marry and live in the country together, I’d teach you to read, I’d treat you like a goddess, it’s all I’ve ever wanted!
Pa. Oh unhappy fates!
P. I’ll find a way. I have a little money set aside, if only I were free!
A (poking her head round the door) Pandora! Get back inside and stop talking to bedraggled looking tramps.
Pa. farewell my darling (kiss)
(Exit Pandora)
P. I’m in love! I can’t believe it! She’s got a face that could launch…a couple of galleys and a coracle and maybe even topple a tree-house or two (looks at the pot and shifts the pieces around) Hang on! I think I’ve got a plan (jumps up)
I’ll set the world aflame, just so I can put it back out again and in so doing I’ll win my freedom and my girl. For now lets get this city, I need only deliver my ‘message’ to get started.
(Exits))
(Enter Cyrus and Electra
E. Cyrus! Cyrus! Come here this instant!
C. Yes, my treacle tart? What does my dove want?
E. You can stop all that nonsense for a start. I want to know why you have banned prostitution in this city?
C. Ah…now I thought you’d be pleased my duck.
E. Pleased? I am most certainly not! I take it you have banned male prostitution as well?
C. Of course, I can’t be selective my honey bee, why should it matter to you?
E (Flustered) It doesn’t, I…I just have a friend who, from time to time, once a week, every other day or so, ah, uses the services of men of low but charmingly rough origin.
C. Dear, your friend is being terribly immoral.
E. But you white haired fool! She’s making sure those young men are employed and paid and…making sure their, firm, muscular, dark skinned, strong, virulent, powerful yet tender bodies…ah…are being put to good use.
C. I am sorry my limpid lake of loveliness but I am quite unmovable on this matter, your friend will have to find something other to do than juggle gigolo’s.
E. Great!…Well I’m just going to have to wait another two and a half thousand years for the invention of the battery.
(Enter Fopadopolis as E leaves)
E. Talk some sense into your father would you (exits)
C. Ah Son, Greetings to you.
F. Father! I beg of you, end this ban. Half the city are going around looking like herm statues, we’re getting a reputation for the bluest balls this side of the Isthmus, our young men are leaving the city for Megara in order for a quick bunk-up and Apollo only knows what they’ll catch out there.
C. Son, son, I am bringing a much needed sense of morality to our blighted city.
F. Oh for the love of Medusa’s dreadlocks, will you quit with this morality nonsense. You’re so corrupt you bribe people to bribe you! You can’t fool me with this piety swill.
C. Hmmm, I had a change of heart.
F. No you haven’t, you’ve just bankrupted the state by gambling our entire treasury on a horse that only had three legs…and just happened to be dead. Just yesterday you rigged a jury to convict a dog of barking too loudly…you sold our Acropolis to cover your gambling debts, you put the ass in brass neck, the rat in Autocrat, the sleaze in sleazy, the…the…damn I’ve run out of wordplay.
C. There’s no need to exaggerate; you’ve done pretty well out of it, how do you think all those drinking parties of yours are paid for.?
F. Alright, alright we’re as corrupt as each other, but that still doesn’t explain why you’ve banned the brothels.
C. I was young once, long ago and I remember the heady thrills of the back alleys in the Ceramicus, thrilling head it was too. Oh they were the days, when I was virile and youthful and now, Oh how old age robs a man of his favourite things, I…I have been…unable to…find any pleasure…or really get (motions awkwardly)
F. What you’re impotent?
C. I have been having the odd…lifeless day or two.
F. Lifeless day? Urgh! Oh just the thought.
C. My flaccidity has a reason, such limpness has its cause, this deflated inactivity of my once proud member is not a mere act of the gods.
F. Dear Ares on a pimped out chariot! Will you stop talking about your…urgh! You’re putting me off life.
C. You have a sister my boy, and she went missing years ago. I can’t help but feel…she has wound up in a brothel and it is this distraction, it has robbed me of my rigidity.
F. (sickened) well thanks for that, when they get round to inventing psychoanalysis I’ll be first in the queue, but why close the brothels, not all of us are feeling flat?
C. because if I’m not going to be able to get my end away then nor is anyone else! I’m not standing by watching everyone else having fun!
(Enter Nicias)
N. If I can interrupt, I found this on the doorstep, it’s a message constructed from pottery shards; it’s for you Chief Archon.
C. Hmm, “Death to the Archon…the leaders ostracised… and… wage war… on Athens… by the end of the week! Sparta is on the march…you have been warned!” My Gods! It’s a message from a spy, Sparta is on the march; she’s coming here to crush us!
F&N. What!?
C. Look there’s even a smiley face on it…they’re toying with us.
We’re doomed! Oh I don’t want to die an impotent old man.
F. I don’t want to die without nailing Pandora!
N. I just don’t really fancy dying full stop.
C. We must ready for a siege, call the hoplites to arms, put the city under lockdown, bring in the cat…it’ll only get lost and um…cancel the milk run until further notice!
F. A call-up!
N. Against Sparta!
F. Sort of a ‘brown ankle greaves moment’ really.
C. Oh I wish I wasn’t such a dyed-in-the-wool coward!
F. Oh I wish it wasn’t congenital.
C. Nonetheless we must ready the troops. It’s war!
(Cyrus Exits)F. Well we’ve nothing to lose now, but I must have my Pandora, there is only one thing for it, I must bring her and Asspasia here, Pandora for me, Asspasia to ‘convince’ father to reopen the brothels. This may be my last chance.
N. And it may be my last chance to tell my Pandora s box joke…shall I?
F. No Nicias! It’s a great pile of steaming crap. Now come on there’s no time to lose
(Exuent))
(Enter Rompalotaloss
R. Heavens of winged carrots! My frustration’s riding high. Take a look at my hand, it looks like I’ve been rowing at Salamis! There are the blisters of a lonely man. It’s times like these I wish I wasn’t so reliant on exchanging money for sex, I’ve heard there are women who’ll do it for free because they actually like you? Clearly it’s a myth; but a nice idea all the same.
But I’ve even greater worries than my lack of a lay. The call has gone up for the city to arm! Sparta marches against us in force. Oh what a woeful day this has turned out to be.
(Enter Phormio)
P. Rompalotaloss, I’ve news you’ll be pleased to hear.
R. Unless you’re going to tell me that a ship-load of loose women are heading my way I doubt you’ll please me at all.
P. Well it isn’t quite that good.
R. Haven’t you heard? You chirpy young fool, we’re all going to die horribly at the hands of our ass backwards neighbour, Sparta.
P. but…
R. No buts! They’re on the march, the calls gone out, I’ll be spitted on a Spartan spear before the day is out.
P. Ha!
R. I don’t know what you’re laughing for? They’ll have you too. I’ve heard what they do with slaves, but look on the bright side; at least you’ll get some sex of sorts before you die.
P. Well thanks for the thought, but Sparta isn’t on the march.
R. What? Don’t tell me you’ve gone mad with sexual frustration, that’ll just make two of us.
P. Look Rompalottalus, will you stop thinking about sex just for one minute.
R. You may as well ask Dionysus to give up the grape.
P. Sparta isn’t on the march, they’re not going to war with anyone, I delivered the message to Cyrus, I started a rumour.
R. You…started…a rumour?
P. Yes, I rearranged your message to Cyrus to make it look like a threat from Sparta and he’s fallen for it A over T.
R. Well forgive me for sounding at all ungrateful my dear Phormio but would you like to maybe give me a reason why I shouldn’t CASTRATE YOU WITH A RUSTY PAIR OF SHEARS?!
P. Calm down! Listen! It’s part of my plan to get the brothels open again.
R. How? How is martial law going to get the brothels back in business?
P. Before I tell you, I have a favour to ask; if I can get the brothels up and running again…will…will you give me my freedom.
R. Your freedom? Why should I do that?
P. Do you ever want to get laid again?
R. Of course I do! I nearly dislocated my shoulder earlier; I can’t go on like this, I think I’m getting tossers elbow already.
P. Well these are my terms, plentiful prostitutes for my freedom.
R. (Grumbling) Oh…alright then, what’s your plan?
P. It’s really very simple; all we need to do is approach Cyrus disguised as Spartan heralds, we then demand a couple of concessions in return for calling off the ‘attack’
R. You mean?
P. Yes! We demand that the brothels be legalised.
R. Of course! Cyrus is such a trembling wretch of a man he’d give anything to avoid a fight; especially with the Spartans…you’re a genius Phormio!
P. We need to get our disguises, a couple of red cloaks will do, come on we can’t waste a moment, even Cyrus is going to realise there’s something amiss if we don’t act quickly.
(Exuent)
(Enter Fopodopolis and Nicias)
F. Asspasia! Asspasia!
(Enter Asspasia)
A. Not you again! Unless you’re here to tell me you’ve relit my red lamp, you can clear off!
F. Asspasia, it’s important! Have you heard about the Spartan attack?
A. Yes I have it’s the best news I’ve had all day; we’ll at least have a few customers.
N. Well I’m glad someone’s thinking about the silver lining.
A. More like pockets lined with silver; now apart from running around like a wretched little boy, what are you here for?
F. I know a way to have the brothels legalised again.
A. Well, I’m interested, once the Spartans have gone back home, we’ll be back where we started. What’s your plan?
F. The only reason my father has banned your trade is because there’s no bounce in his boxers, now you’re the most proficient ‘companion’ in the city and if you could rekindle a little bit of amor in the old man then you’ll be back with your legs in the air thinking of Attica before the chariot of the sun has parallel parked behind the mountains.
A. And I suppose you want Pandora?
F. Yes, I can pay you a decent sum too.
A. How much?
F. How does 100 talents sound?
A It’s a generous offer but where would you get the money from?
F. I could have the state fleet sold off, that’d cover the cost.
N. What? You can’t! You can’t sell off the fleet to pay for a wife!
A. Sounds fair to me, done!
F. Excellent, it’s a deal
N. Fopodopolis! No! I know you’re a glutton and a pampered, preened, prick but this is too much!
F. Oh stop your whining, you’re a terrible bore, this city’s just on the verge of a fall, I’ll flog off the fleet and raise us some cash, the to exile I’ll go with my wife and my stash.
N. Will you stop speaking in rhyme you metrical moron!
F (To Aspasia) Bring sweet Pandora and meet us in the forum, we’ll settle this deal before the city has fallen.
N (Slapping his forehead) Oh Muse above just give it a bloody rest!
F. Come Nicias, don’t think I’d leave you behind.
N. Oh? You mean you’ll cut me in too?
F. Of course, you don’t think I’d forget to cover my back do you?
N. Oh well, forget everything I just said, let’s go sell those ships.
F. Ha! That’s the spirit.
A. See you in the forum.
(Exeunt))
(Enter Cyrus
C. What’ll I do? I don’t know how to fight! Why would the Spartans attack me, I’ve done nothing to them, except insult them every chance I got and occasionally getting hoplites to moon the Peloponnesian coast from their ships…oh misery me I’m a mess of maladies!
(Enter Electra with Rompalotalus and Phormio dressed as Spartans)
E. Cyrus my cowardly custard, don’t tremble with fear, these men are here to seek peace, if you’d just lend them an ear and stop whimpering like a lonely puppy.
C. Sp…Sp…Sp…Spartans! Did you have a nice trip? I’ve heard the Eurotas is lovely this time of year; would you care for an olive?
R. Silence you worm or I’ll raze your town to the ground and piss on the ashes, we’re here to make a demand, if you value your life I suggest you listen to my colleague Agesileos.
P. Thank you Cleombrotus, I’ll deal with this now. Archon Cyrus, unless you want your city removed from this earth, do as we say and no one gets hurt.
C (grovelling) What can I do to save my own life…I mean my city?
P. It’s one simple thing, easy to do, repeal the ban on the brothels and don’t think of doing it again.
C. You…you…you invaded Athens because I banned the brothels?
R. Seems like a pretty good reason to me you Thessalian Goat farmer!
P. Shhh.
C. But…but…this is madness.
R. Madness? THIS IS… A LIBERAL ATTITUDE TOWARD THE SEX INDUSTRY!
C. Okay, Okay, thank Poseidon there aren’t any wells around here, whatever you say the brothels are back from this moment on.
P. Then we will return to Sparta with our army, but we’ll be back if you go against your word.
C. Never, never I’d rather die. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to run, lovely meeting you (runs away)
(Phormio and Rompalotalus take off their disguises)
R. Well I’ve got to say you’re a smart fellow Phormio, and how I enjoyed making that maggot squirm on the hook.
P. You did seem to get into the role.
R. Well you’ve fulfilled your side of the bargain so I’ll fulfil mine. From this moment on, you’re a free man.
P. Oh thank you Rompalotalus, I’m free! Now all I have to do is go buy my girls freedom and away to the fields of Archarnia to live in peace.
(Enter Asspasia and Pandora)
P. Pandora! Oh my heart fills with wonder! Asspasia I wish to buy your girl, I’ll pay over the rates.
A. Tough! You can’t, she’s sold already and I dare say you’ll have difficulty matching the price.
P. What? No! You can’t, I love her.
A. That seems to be a popular line from a lot of young men.
Pa. Oh Phormio I wish I was yours.
(They embrace))
(enter Nicius
N. Ah Asspasia, good to see you here, no sign of the Spartans I see. Fopodopolis is hastening here with from the dockyards, we’ll be able to sell the fleet and get you your money in no time…hey! What are you doing with your arms round that girl?
(Splits them up))
(Enter Cyrus and Electra
C. Fabulous news, the gods smile upon us. I have convinced the Spartans to leave. Oh you should have seen me. I sent them packing with their tails between their legs. They won’t be back soon now they know what they’ll be up against!
(R&P exchange looks)
E. Cyrus, just because you’ve changed into a nice clean tunic doesn’t stop you being a pant wetting vat of cowardly jelly.
C. Shhh dear, look here’s a few coins why don’t you go and give them to your ‘friend’ so she can help those young men find a little work?
E. Hmm I think I might…but hold on, who is this girl?
N. Wait a minute, the Spartans are gone? The city is safe? Screw me sideways that is a relief.
E. Cyrus, by the gods, look at this girl, she’s wearing our family signet ring, could she be?
C (looking closer) By Hera’s stiff nipples! So it is, pray child what is your name?
Pa. My name is Pandora.
C. Immortal bumblebees! Our long lost daughter is returned!
(Embraces)
R. Well that’s a turn up for the books, I guess she’s not up for sale anymore then.
A. I’ve no real choice but to let her go. Pandora you’re free.
(Enter Fopodopolis)
F. Ah I see you’ve met my wife to be, oh just think of all the night-time adventures I’ll take you on my little chickpea! Oh I’ll ravish you like Zeus did Leto, I can’t wait to strip you naked and have my wicked, wicked way with you.
N. No! Fopadopolis! No!
(Fopodopolis gives Pandora an obscene and lengthy snog)
R. I’d like to consider myself a liberal man, but that was pretty wrong.
F. What’s the matter?
C. Ahem…Fopodopolis meet your sister, Pandora.
F (Look of utter horror) I…I…I’m just going to…ah…go an…um fight the Spartans
(begins to leave)
N. But the Spartans have gone, the city is safe.
F. That’s okay I’ll just pop over to Sparta and fight them there.
(Runs away)
N. Come on Asspasia, the melodramatic fool doesn’t mean it, I’m sure Roxanne can distract him for now.
(They leave)
Pa. Phormio!
P. Pandora!
Pa. Father, grant me one wish, let me marry this man and live in the countryside.
C. As long as your happy, I’m happy (aside) maybe a little trip to Asspasia’s later just to make sure (to Pandora) Your wish is granted my dear daughter.
P. Pandora my darling, we’re together at last.
Pa. Oh I love you sweet Phormio (they kiss)
R. So touching, perhaps I could find love too, stop paying for sex, find a pretty wife, settle down, hell even raise some kids…Ha! What am I saying, how can I know I’ve got the right girl unless I’ve had them all?
Phormio’s got our brothels back, gained his freedom and his wife,
he’s the hero of the moment and he’s won his happy life.
The sun above is sinking low; it marks the end of day.
So now I feel it’s time for us to be wrapping up our play
(Curtain)
